The Luv’ Ya Blue era was many decades ago. Clutch City seems to be going nowhere. And the Houston Astros are still peddling more Second Baptist Ed Young propaganda than proper baseball. The Houston Comets are defunct and the Houston Dynamo… well, I don’t know much about them. Anyhow, the point is that the fourth largest city in this consumer junkie nation hasn’t seen legitimate professional sports success since the Astros had their little cup of coffee in the World Series back in 2005- except for the Dynamo winning consecutive MLS championships in 2006 and 2007, but no one seemed to notice much. How can a city brimming with sports fans afford to tolerate these mediocre franchises?
(pours whisky, shoots whisky, slams glass onto the table) In terms of team value, the Houston Texans rank fifth in the NFL; the Houston Rockets rank fifth in the NBA; and the Houston Astros rank eleventh in the MLB. Clearly, the people who own these teams are making some serious money; otherwise the franchises would fold like the Houston Comets did in 2008 (the team that won the first four WNBA championships). The fiscal success of each of these franchises is incongruent with their performance.
At the start of the 2010 NFL season, I explained my theory regarding the Houston Texans (Theory: no need to win if you’re making ungodly amounts of money). But at the end of this past season, the Texans’ brass fired some folks as a Jedi Mind Trick to convince us all that they finally made a commitment to winning. I guess we’ll see about that in September. We. Shall. See. McNair, you Enron lottery winner!
(pours whisky, shoots whisky, repeats, slams glass onto the table) Providence intervened on November 21, 2010 when Drayton McLane, Jr., owner of major league baseball’s only baptist franchise, announced that the team was for sale. This is good news because putting the team in anyone else’s hands is progress including Mark Cuban or fucking All State Insurance. Astros fans won’t see any success for a couple of years. So don’t hold your breath… unless you prefer Drayton McLane as the owner, in which case- by all means hold your breath. HOLD IT! Quick Question: How in the hell did the Houston Astros’ team colors go from navy blue and strangely orange to… a bloody shade of sacrament red?
(pours whisky, raises glass, whispers “Hakeem ‘the Dream’ Olajuwon”, shoots whisky, throws glass out the window) This is the heartbreaker folks. Our most beloved sports franchise- the only one to deliver a major championship, twice- The Houston Rockets are not fairing so well in the superstar driven NBA. Honestly, I can’t complain about how this franchise is being managed. The Rockets have a GM that graduated from the MIT Sloan School of Management in Daryl Morey (he actually taught a class at MIT called “Analytical Sports Management”). But despite all of his genius, Morey has had nothing but trouble in his attempts to sign a major NBA star, which staggers the mind since Houston is the only team in the top five with NO STATE INCOME TAX. This means when a player signs a contract in Texas he gets to keep most of his millions. So if I’m a sports agent, don’t I steer my client towards Texas?
(opens face, pours whisky) It should be noted that Houston does not have a history of attracting superstar free agents in any sport; and I have no idea why. Houston has warm weather year round. The schools are decent. Land is cheap and the economy is fairly resistant to change. The food and entertainment industries are top notch. And, again, there’s NO STATE INCOME TAX. Also, there’s a six million member fan base already built in. And let me tell you about these fans…
(just pours whisky on head) Houston sports fans are unwaveringly loyal… AND IT MAKES ME SICK! When our teams sink to the level of perennial losers, Houston fans just continue cheering them on. No public outrage. No protest. No boycotting. No nothing. Just freakish loyalty. If this were the American Revolution, you might say Houston would be the Tory safe haven. Philly and New York turn on their teams violently when they start losing with any regularity. Houston, on the other hand, just continues supporting the men in uniform (and if we had a women’s professional bikini franchise then we’d cheer for the women in uniform). Cheers.
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